I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
P.S. I can't hear my feet
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
