I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
