It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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