problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
