not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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