I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it's like heaven, but drunker
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
His nipple licking is glorious
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