I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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