Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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