i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
