I should be sponsored by Trojan
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
