There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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