i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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