and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
