She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
