Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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