In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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