apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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