Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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