Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
