I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
