When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
