I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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