if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
