She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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