the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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