4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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