i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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