the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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