I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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