I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
