do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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