I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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