Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
