If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
