She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
