Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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