I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
