i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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