did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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