We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
