When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
this hospital has no fireball
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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