My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
