You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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