You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
