P.S. I can't hear my feet
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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