he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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