how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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