i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
