So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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