dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
